A Few Words with Comedian Brian Posehn

If you haven't heard of funny man Brian Posehn, chances are you've seen his work--with a resume that includes "The Sarah Silverman Show," the original "Comedians of Comedy," regular appearances on Comedy Central's Roasts and "Late Night with Conan O'Brien." This weekend, he's headlining four shows at Comix (Fri. and Sat. at 8pm and 10:30pm; buy tickets here). In honor of his visit to New York, I asked Brian to tell us about five of his favorite places in the city. Here's what he had to say (so now you can stalk him this weekend. You're welcome).



(1) The Burger Joint at the Parker Meridien: It's a burger joint hidden inside the lobby of a fancy pants hotel, like most good burger joints. Perfect, simple burger and a surly but friendly staff straight out of that old "SNL" Cheeseburger Cheeseburger sketch.

(2) Midtown Comics: Huge two-level comic shop right by Times Square. All the nerds are tough New Yorkers. I had never been afraid for my life while perusing Batman trade paperbacks before I found this shop.

(3) Vasacs Horseshoe Bar/ 7B: Great little dive bar in the East Village. The jukebox is totally metal and they have a Buck Hunter game. And you might even glimpse the ghost of David Cross.

(4) Original Original Original Original Ray's Pizza: This is the best one in the city. I forget where it is, I was very drunk. But it is worth finding.

(5) Morimoto NYC: Yes, this is the best sushi I've had in NYC. Yes, it's that frowny "Iron Chef" dude. The real secret to why his food is so awesome is that angels jerk off on it before it makes it to your table. Sounds gross, but try the miso cod and you'll thank me and those angels.

The Gold-Digger's Guide to Meeting Men

Are you an attractive New York woman looking to support your gaudy lifestyle without working or contributing to society in any way? Then you're in luck! At these five bars, there are plenty of wealthy men ready to shower beautiful young ladies with free booze and lavish gifts, and all they require in return is the pleasure of your company. Oh, and also, you might have to sleep with them. (Photo by szlea on Flickr)

Rose Bar:

Few New York hot spots manage to stay hot, but this sleek, swank lounge at the Gramercy Park Hotel has been attracting the rich and famous since 2006. Wear something chic and snag a seat at the bar; then act bored until that dreamy Hermes-clad “hipster” offers to buy you a $20 cocktail. And if he doesn’t, make eyes at the old creep in the corner: If he got in, it’s because he knows how to tip, which is good news for you.

Bemelmans Bar:

Unlike the downtown hot spots, the Carlyle Hotel's timeless cocktail bar attracts a more refined class of well-to-do gentlemen. Sure, they may be fat, bald and married, but so are all the best sugar daddies. Plus, at Bemelmans, a pretty young girl is more of a novelty: The last time these guys got a taste of a 25-year-old, it came in a bottle of Macallan.

The Hustler Club:

All men love strip clubs, and the wealthier ones flock to the Hustler Club for the top-quality steaks and above-average talent. Linger near the private rooms and be prepared to pounce on an overpaid Wall Street executive right after a lap dance. Even for the most homely maiden, seducing a guy who just dropped $1K on a girl who didn’t put out is as easy as, well, seducing a guy who just dropped $1K on a girl who didn’t put out.

Monkey Bar:

Are you searching for your very own Patrick Bateman--tall, dark, handsome and a big deal in the '80s--sans the psycho killer part? If Dorsia was booked, Bateman and his crew might be found at Graydon Carter’s midtown hangout, where a sea of Armani suits gather each night after work to drink heavily, compare business cards and talk about their female coworkers in a way that’s borderline illegal.

Bar & Books:

What happens when you take a swank Upper East Side space and fill it with cigar smoke and fine whiskeys? A would-be sugar baby’s dream scenario. Men who smoke cigars tend to be rich (after all, they can just pay the cancer to go away, right?), and with but a handful of smoke-friendly establishments left in New York, Lexington Bar and Books is a go-to spot for the type of hedge-fund d-bags who only like to hang out with girls too stupid to know what a hedge fund is.

Best New York Bars for a One-Night Stand

Thank god for alcohol, without which no one would ever have gotten laid--least of all that snaggletoothed disaster sitting at the bar. But after a few car bombs, she starts to look pretty good, and soon it's off to your place for a night of ... well, you know. But not every New York bar is conducive to meeting Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Where to go when you're on the market for a good old-fashioned, no-strings-attached one-night stand? These six bars, where the pretenses are low and the odds of scoring are high. 

Dorrian's:

There's a reason why the notorious Preppy Killer selected his victim at Dorrian's: It's easy to get a girl to leave with you. I don't know whether it's the stench of Burberry cologne on the dudes or the blinding Lily Pulitzer yellows on the girls, but something about Club D makes everyone want to do really depraved things with a stranger. 

Southside:

Are you in the market for a one-night stand, preferably one that involves a fake socialite with a real eating disorder? You're in luck, because overpriced drinks are only one of the things Southside is peddling; guaranteed anonymous hookups are the other. 

Union Pool:

Just because you have an ironic moustache doesn't mean you don't deserve to get laid (or does it?). Regardless, when hipsters get lonely, they head to Williamsburg's most notorious pickup bar to drink heavily and go home with other misbegotten artists (read: bartenders), and then spend the next week trolling the Craigslist "Missed Connections" archives for posts about themselves. 

The Anchor:

Here are some words that come to mind when I think about this Soho spot: Boozy. Sloppy. Sweaty. Crowded. Incidentally, the same words could be used to describe the kind of sexual encounters that tend to result from a long night of drinking at The Anchor--except, perhaps, crowded. Unless you're into that sort of thing. 

No Malice Palace:

Don't let the post-12am line outside fool you: This is a dirty dive bar, through and through. And it's packed with drunken 20-somethings looking to relive their college days by making questionable decisions in someone else's bedroom. If that happens to end with a walk of shame circa 10am, everyone's a winner. 

Botanica Bar:

This hip Lower East Side bar has been helping New Yorkers get laid for years, thanks to super cheap drinks and good music that's just loud enough to discourage excessive getting-to-know-you conversation. Stick the basics--what's your name, where do you live, is it contagious--then book it to her place.

New York Bars I've Fallen Down In

Every true drinker has woken up at least once to discover a bruise or drinking-related injury from the previous night. Me, more than others. Since the day I turned 18--er, 21--I've displayed an almost magnificent tendency to drink, slip and fall, and I've done it at bars across New York City. Why am I telling you all this? Because I'm drunk now, obviously. But seriously, watch your step at these seven bars, or you could end up like me--and as my parents can confirm, you really don't want that. 

Chloe 81:

The stairs that lead down to this exclusive Lower East Side lounge are steep (especially that last one, which is deeper than it looks)--hence the "watch your step" sign. But pounding Jameson on the rocks really isn't conducive to watching anything other than your life flash before your eyes, which might explain why I fell down the whole flight not long ago. Anthony, the bouncer, kindly insisted that it wasn't that bad a fall, but the bruises I incurred told a different story.  

Janis:

Given my penchant for falling, I probably shouldn't be allowed out of the house at all, let alone while rocking four-inch heels. Particularly if it's raining. I made it up the front steps to this West Village hot spot (named for Janis Joplin, who once lived in the building) just fine; the problem arose when I tried to navigate the steps inside to get down to the subterranean lounge. My heels were wet, the stairs were slippery and the crowd of witnesses down below gave me a standing ovation. Hey, at least someone was able to stand. 

Von:

This East Village classic has experienced a resurgence since the debut of its lower-level lounge, which boasts a second bar, a DJ and a more dancey vibe. The plus side about falling down the stairs at Von is that you can't really be seen by anyone because there are doors at both ends. The downside is, when you're even looking for a plus side in this situation, your life is pretty much over.

Southside:

I used to bartend at the now-defunct Martignetti Liquors, so when my bosses opened this swanky subterranean spot in Nolita, it became my very own Cheers bar. Unfortunately, my name wasn't the only thing everyone knew; my inclination to spontaneously fall after one too many Warchild shots (bourbon, peach schnapps and sour mix) was another. If I told you how many times the bouncer, Q, has peeled me up off the stairs, you would feel sick. What's that you say? You already feel sick from reading this?

Sway:

One of the few Soho spots with real staying power, Sway is like the scene of the crime--where the crime in question is "things I do when I drink." Regulars know that the back room is where it's at: The bar is easier to access than the main bar up front, the banquettes are prime for getting wild and you can easily reach the staircase that leads to the less crowded bathrooms. And that's where I was going when I tripped down about 10 of them. Luckily no one remembers it, least of all me. 

Shoolbred's:

Now I know what you're thinking: "Maybe you should just avoid bars with stairs, Justine." Yes, I probably should. But a recent fall at this cozy East Village pub--think stained glass paneling, a fireplace and a huge selection of Scotch and bourbon--proves that stairs aren't my only problem. So are barstools. Yep, getting off a barstool can be hazardous, in this case because the heel of my shoe got caught on the chair as I tried to dismount. Luckily nobody got hurt, unless you count my pride. Just kidding--I obviously don't have any of that! 

Kenmare:

Falling down the stairs that lead to the subterranean lounge at this Nolita hot spot is like wearing a huge sign on your face that says "I can't hang." It's pretty much the worst thing ever, and after having done it just the other night, I'm pretty much the worst person ever. A room full of fabulously cool people who I'll now never know will be more than happy to confirm that.

Bars That Make Me Wanna Kill Myself

Thirty-year-old frat boys who confuse Murray Hill with Sigma Chi. Hedge fund douche bags who refer to the Hamptons as "The 'Tones." Brainless girls in Jessica Simpson brand stilettos who are about 20 pounds too heavy for that dress. Staten Islanders. These are a few of my least favorite things. And you can find them all at these five bars. (Photo: This girl loves Pacha! I hate her.)

Tonic:
The only thing worse than Tonic East, this Times Square spot is like the seventh circle of hell disguised as a sports bar. 

Bar None:
I used to go to Bar None all time. When I was in high school. That pretty much sums it up. But just in case you need more, it's a popular destination for sailors during Fleet Week and hobos at all times--and if they don't get you, the skanks will. 

Dorrian's:
This is a great bar to meet a one-night stand who you won't ever have to call again. Other than that, it is to be avoided. 

Continental:
There is one single reason why anyone has ever gone to Continental, and that is because it serves five shots of anything for $10. I'm a perpetually broke alcoholic, and you still couldn't get me to go there without a roofie and a blindfold.

Pacha:
Just because it works in Ibiza doesn't mean it works in New York City. 'Nuff said.

Craigslist Keepers

Occasionally we stumble across a Craigslist post that is too good not to share with the world.

Case in point: This listing for an apartment share in Murray Hill, which was brought to our attention earlier today. It says:

I am an elderly lady, in my 70's. I am looking for someone lovely to live in the second bedroom (lovely people only). I am not thrilled about living with someone but I could use the extra cash. I have only one rule. You must wear a belt I designed that has bells all over it. I do this so I know when you are in the apartment and where in the apartment you are. If you have friends over, they must wear the device as well. I only have 2, so no more than 1 friend over.

So, just in case the prospect of moving to Murray Hill wasn't enough to make you want to kill yourself, now you can go live there with this old lady, who may or may not be the real-life version of Kathy Bates' character from "Misery."

Party Like It's Spring Break

It's nearly mid-March, which means that if you're a college student, you're probably getting ready to spend a week with 10 other hoodlums, holed up in some beachside shanty, soaking up moderate quantities of sun and lethal quantities of booze, in honor of that great American pastime known as spring break.

Well, guess what: Even if your undergraduate years are over, you needn't dip to Tijuana to partake in the sort of lewd, depraved behavior pictured above. There are plenty of bars where even the most respectable professionals you can experience the thrills of spring break--from the alcohol poisoning to the scantily clad girls--right here on the Isle of Manhattan.

Click through to read our latest roundup, Party Like It's Spring Break.

And for those of you who are too old for body shots but still long to reconnect with your collegiate days, check out Gigantic Cocktails (one of our new and improved photo roundups)--trust me, after a few mixed drinks served by the pint, no one will notice you're balding, least of all you.

(Photo courtesy of The Big Easy)

Saturday Night Live Writers, Performers, and Andy Samberg Groupies Turn Out to Support Writers Guild

Surprise guest Janeane Garofalo opened for "SNL" vet Darrell Hammond, below, on Monday night at Comix

It was a full house Monday evening at Comix where assorted "Saturday Night Live" writers and players both past and present participated in a comedy event to benefit the striking Writers Guild of America, East. In keeping with the trend of wearing your support for the writers on your face, "strike beards" were in full effect, and the overall mood seemed to indicate that no one expects to return to work anytime soon.

Hosted by Jason Sudeikis (who joined the cast of "SNL" in 2005 after spending several years in the writers' room, and who also played Floyd on the first season of "30 Rock"), the original lineup boasted appearances by Andy Samberg and Fred Armisen, though in the end, neither of them were able to do so, for reasons unknown. But everything was still kosher thanks to those who did perform, including "SNL" writers Bryan Tucker ("Chappelle's Show"), 25-year-old Harvard success story (it's about time!) Colin Jost, and former staff writer Leo Allen (one half of the comedy duo Slovin & Allen). Several video clips were shown, most notably an hilarious commercial parody starring Kristin Wiig and a digital short starring Armisen and Samberg, directed by the latter's Lonely Island cohort/ "SNL" writer Akiva Schaffer, who was also in the audience at Comix but dipped out halfway through the show.

Although at least one unfortunate heckler made it known that she had only come to see unlikely dreamboat du jour Andy Samberg--whose rise to fame began two years ago with a video about cupcakes and was sustained by a video about his junk--his failure to show up was well-compensated with a special guest set by Janeane Garofalo. As always, her best material was political, and though she generally laid-off the Democratic candidates, she was more than happy to riff on their Republicans counterparts, making light of the fact that three of them "actually believe the jury's still out on evolution." Which is funny--and at the same time not so funny--'cause it's true.

But the real highlight of the evening?

Headliner Darrell Hammond, who announced right off the bat that he was jacked up on Vicodin, although it was unclear whether or not he was kidding, and his behavior throughout the rest of his set made it no clearer. After commenting that he'd just come from Penn Station ("For those of you from out of town, that's the place that inspired all of Stephen King's novels"), the 13-year veteran of "SNL" went on to perform virtually every impression for which he is most famous: Donald Trump, Tony Soprano, Bill Clinton, Sean Connery, Dr. Phil and a dead-on
George W. Bush. (Though, for the record, Sudeikis plays the president in current "SNL" sketches. Or at least he did, when there were current sketches.)

Hammond's musings on the Clintons--particularly his point that if Hilary wins the election, Bill's job will literally be to socialize with and entertain the first ladies of other nations ("Hey there Mrs. Putin, this here is the Lincoln Bedroom. And this is the Lincoln bed")--were a hit, as were his observations about President Bush ("He starts out with the intention of making a point, and then mid-sentence, he decides he simply doesn't feel like it: 'The American people are tirelessly [pause]... They're tireless'").

If you don't consider the cancellation of the Golden Globes to be any great casualty, then you may think that because there is new programming on TV this week, the strike doesn't impact you. But the networks are down to the sitcom reserve supply, and when the scripts run out several weeks down the line, there's going to be no new content on prime-time television until the strike is resolved (unless you count "Celebrity Apprentice," which I refuse to do). And while the networks are making a ton of money off the exploitation of their writers and the strike itself, the people who really make the magic happen are starving to death. Fine,
that last part may not be true, but it totally might be if this doesn't end soon.

So here's my plea: Stop watching episodes of "30 Rock" online, grow a beard, join the picketers, or do whatever else you can to help ensure that the networks start feeling the pain of this strike the way the writers are. If not for them, do it for me-- because with the exception of booze, television is the closest thing I have to a boyfriend.

Human Giant Saves MTV: Suck On This, Spencer Pratt

Above: Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer and Aziz Ansari are Human Giant

Ordinarily, the chances of me going out on a Monday night are nil, especially in this brick-ass cold. But with my television withdrawal giving me an increasingly nasty case of the shakes, I took the opportunity to check out last night's sneak preview of the new season of "Human Giant"--the best thing to happen to MTV's comedy programming (or rather, MTV period) since "The State"-- hosted by the Human Giants themselves.

As any proper night should, this one began with drinks. Various members of the press (editors and writers from Maxim, the NY Post, the Village Voice, ASCAP, Giant, and other publications) assembled beforehand at West Chelsea haunt Half King, along with the show's stars, Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer and Aziz Ansari, before making the troupe to the UCB Theater.

It may have been after 11pm on a weeknight, but you wouldn't have known it from the size of the crowd, which was spilling out into the aisles. Granted, the show was free, but it was clear that these people would probably have paid to see it. And for good reason--the raw and uncut clips screened last night were so outrageous, explicit and unbelievably hilarious, it's difficult to imagine that the Standards Department at MTV would even entertain the possibility of airing them, even after heavy editing. (Case in point: A sketch called "Car Accident," which tells the tale of Bruce Penis (Huebel), a deceased gay porn star whose ghost haunts his supposed killer (Ansari) by violating him physically in order to open his, uh, eyes to the truth.)

Afterwards, those of us who aren't a bunch of lightweights and whiners--winos, perhaps, but not whiners--returned to Half King for more drinks with Rob, Paul and Aziz and friends that included several Saturday Night Live writers and performer Bill Hader.

I had the chance to spend some time chatting with Rob (who has frequently appeared on "Best Week Ever" and played the memorable Dr. Mark character in several episodes of "Curb Your Enthusiasm"), and he told me that filming for season two is going well, but admits that it can be quite a lot of work writing and developing consistently funny material that can carry through several hours of sketches (a full season of "Human Giant").

If the material that aired on the first season of the show--which got the green light for season two after MTV execs let the guys take over control of the airwaves for 24-straight hours of programming, broadcast live from the network's Times Square studios--and what we saw last night is any indication, then their hard work is well worth it. Nothing is off-limits (including, but not limited to, 9/11, which they famously parodied last season in a number of episodic sketches entitled "Lil' 9/11").

Though the beer wasn't free (it never is, sadly), getting to see the show was certainly worth every bit of pain I experienced this morning, when my alarm clock began taunting me to rise at the ungodly hour of 9:30am. But more importantly, it's reassuring to know that in March '08, "Human Giant" will be back on the air, giving people like me--who would sooner slit our wrists than watch 30 minutes (let alone a 12-hour programming block) of shows about Heidi Montag, her deadbeat boyfriend Spencer Pratt, and the trials and tribulations of their beef with Lauren Conrad--a reason to watch MTV.

TV: It's Always Sunny in Philadephia

The little TV show that could, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns to FX this summer for a third season. The show – which was picked up in 2005 after a pilot that reportedly cost only $85 to make was submitted to FX under the title It’s Always Sunny on TV – circulates around four friends (two of whom, Dennis and Dee, also happen to be twins) who run an Irish pub, Paddy’s, in the City of Brotherly Love. Midget-turned-actor Danny DeVito joined the cast last year in the role of Frank, the twins’ father – or so we were led to believe before it was revealed at the end of last season than he is actually their friend Charlie’s biological father. A bunch of lazy, depraved, egomaniacal liars, these kids are fast becoming our personal heroes, and if you don’t get FX, don’t worry; episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia are available for download on iTunes.

WWW.FXNETWORKS.COM

ONE NIGHT IN PEREZ: Perez Hilton Is The Celebrity Blogger You Hate to Love

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN
PHOTOGRAPHY BY JEFF FORNEY / YRB MAGAZINE

In the age of the gossip blog, if you still subscribe to the belief that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, then chances are you’re not a publicist.

“I’m a polarizing figure,” says Perez Hilton, the self-anointed “Queen of Media” and the creator of the celebrity gossip blog PerezHilton.com. “Some people love me and some people hate me. Some people wanna tell me everything, some people are afraid to even make small talk around me. It depends who you are and how I rub you.”

Every day, close to four million unique visitors flock to Hilton’s site (formerly PageSixSixSix.com) for the inside scoop on the latest Hollywood scandal, juiciest truth-based rumor and even the occasional news byte.

Born Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., the Cuban-American was raised in Miami before he moved to New York to attend NYU’s prestigious Tisch School of the Arts. Living in Greenwich Village (the one place gayer than South Beach), it didn’t take long for young Mario to come out. “I guess I tried to hide it the first semester,” he says, “and then I was at a party and a girl was like, ‘You’re gay!’ and I started crying but then I was like, ‘Yes! I am!’ I knew, but I guess I just had problems saying it.”

That wasn’t the only problem Lavandeira would face. “I went through a very unhappy phase. I filed for bankruptcy, I was suicidal, I was at a job that I hated, I got fired from three jobs…it was like down, down, down, down,” he recalls. But rather than joining some lame support group or writing dark poetry, he launched PageSixSixSix.com, and proceeded to literally blog his way out of debt and depression. It was only after he began receiving death threats – courtesy of some Clay Aiken fans who were none too pleased that the blogger had dubbed their American idol “Clay Gayken” – that Lavandeira adopted a pseudonym, becoming his friend Paris Hilton’s fictitious cousin, Perez.

PerezHilton.com quickly swept through the blogosphere, generating more traffic than a holiday weekend. Suddenly millions of people now had a better way to pass the time that would otherwise have been wasted actually working. Luckily, Perez is working hard enough for all of them. “I bust my butt. I don’t know if people really realize how hard I work. I honestly put in 19 hours a day on my website. I sleep four and a half, maybe five hours a night. Every other waking moment I’m answering emails, I’m writing, I’m researching, I’m scouring the Internet for what to write, I’m going to an event,” says Hilton, whose L.A. office isn’t so much an office as it is a table at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, a local coffee shop.

Although Hilton maintains that he doesn’t really consider himself a celebrity (“I’m a celebretard,” he says), these days he is just as likely to be the subject of gossip columns as the author of them. When former ‘N Sync member Lance Bass came out betwixt the pages of People Magazine, many critics accused Hilton of having forced him out of the closet, after repeated posts on PerezHilton.com not-so-subtly implied that the singer was gay (literally, not figuratively). Hilton insists that these criticisms are simply the byproduct of America’s deep-seated, internalized homophobia.

“I feel that being gay is not bad. A lot of the reason why people criticize what I do is because a lot of people still think that being gay is bad, and a lot of people still think that being gay in Hollywood will hurt your career, and I don’t believe that… Since I don’t think it’s bad, I’m all about equalizing. So I’m gonna treat everyone the same. I’m gonna report – that’s what I do. I don’t ‘out’ anyone. That’s not part of my vocabulary. I report on facts. I don’t engage in the business of speculation or conjecture.”

What he writes about may be true, but that hasn’t stopped many celebrities from taking him to court. Last year, Hilton was named in a lawsuit filed by Colin Farrell after the now infamous sex tape starring the actor (in what was arguably his best performance to date) appeared on Hilton’s site. Hilton was also sued last November for $7.5 million by a Hollywood photo agency that claimed the use of certain photos on the site constituted copyright infringement. And in February, he was sued by Jennifer Aniston, after a topless photo of the actress appeared on PerezHilton.com.

While some celebs may be less than thrilled to find their personal lives, photos and home videos on display, when they’re not busy suing him they know that being on Hilton’s good side can also have its benefits. Frequent jabs at stars like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan may not further damage their reputations (they tend to do that all by themselves), but for a Hollywood newcomer, frequent praise (or even just a mention) on PerezHilton.com can make a world of difference. If you’re an up-and-coming musician and Perez is a fan of your music, go ahead and fire your publicist, because you won’t be needing her services. Just one post about how adorable and talented Hilton thinks you are, and millions of people will know the name of your band.

Hilton may not be saving lives with gossip, but that doesn’t make his work meaningless. “Underneath the Perez façade, there is someone who has strong beliefs and will use this platform to hopefully do good. I know I do good, because people enjoy it, and I bring laughter, hopefully, or some sense of escape for folks who are bored at work, or who are going through a difficult time and want some sort of fantasy. That gives what I do meaning, and that’s awesome.”

But just because so many people like his blog, doesn’t mean they all like him. In fact, many of Hilton’s readers actively dislike him. “Dude, you really look like a circus act. I love the website, but there is more and more about you, and you are the most uninteresting person out there. You are a tragedy. From one gay man to another, fucking get a grip,” wrote one reader, after Hilton devoted numerous posts to documenting his own star-studded birthday party (“The Queen’s Ball”) in March.

OK, so maybe no one ever accused him of being overly modest, but isn’t shameless self-promotion exactly what being a celebrity is all about? “I created my own success, I created my own opportunity…I created Perez the celebrity,” says Hilton. “There’s a reason why I put up all these pictures of myself with celebrities: celebrity by association! The whole concept of celebrity is so tangible and so malleable; anyone can be a celebrity these days – even this loser with a blog!”

Love him, hate him, or just love to hate him, Perez Hilton’s shirt says it all: “Keep talking shit, you’re making me famous.”



FASHION CREDITS:
silk striped blazer by The Bohemian Society, “Keep Talking Shit” t-shirt by College Dropout, denim jeans and leather belt by Replay, milano style collection yellow and orange watches by Breil, trainers by Ben Sherman

**One Night In Perez was originally published in YRB Magazine, Issue 73 (May/June 2007)

Movie: Knocked Up

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN
PHOTO COURTESY OF NBC UNIVERSAL

“Knocked Up is about a guy [Ben], played by Seth Rogen, who is starting a website, is kind of a slacker, who goes out to a bar one night and is lucky enough to end up back home with Katherine Heigl’s character [Alison], and what should have been nothing but a one night stand, next thing you know she’s knocked up. So it’s the story of the two of them coming to terms with the fact that they’re sorta stuck together,” says actor Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother), who, along with Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel and Martin Starr, plays one of Ben’s four roommates in this summer’s Knocked Up.

Jonah Hill offers a somewhat different take on the movie. “The plot is basically like Letters from Iwo Jima. We actually ripped off the same plot, and we just added a few ‘fucks’ every now and then,” he jokes, when asked whether there is more to the story than the title and movie trailer suggest. But Jason and Jonah (whose characters also happen to be named Jason and Jonah) do agree that what makes Knocked Up work so well is largely writer/director Judd Apatow’s approach to movie-making. Both have worked with Apatow before (Jonah had a small but memorable role in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Jason starred in Apatow’s television cult classic Freaks and Geeks, among other things) and credit the success of his films with the fact that he trusts his actors enough to let them improvise.

“We spend a lot of time rehearsing and improvising and then the script takes the shape of the direction the improv took. It’s great because by the time you arrive on set, nothing that’s coming out of your mouth feels forced; it’s all sort of in your words. And that’s part of what Judd recognizes – that the acting turns out best when the actors are comfortable,” Jason says, adding, “Anytime Judd comes calling, I’m there. Judd is my mentor and sorta my professional idol as well.”

Instances of spontaneous humor aren’t necessarily the only benefits of the improv approach to a movie like Knocked Up. “Even in the more intense scenes, Seth and Katherine did a lot of improv, and it makes the fights seem more real. That’s how I like to work, and Judd is the best at that in my opinion. I think the best stuff comes from being in the moment, just off the cuff,” says Jonah, echoing the sentiments of his co-star.

Most people would agree that waking up from an alcohol-induced sleep coma in the bed of a girl who looks like Katherine Heigl (or even someone half as hot) is pretty sweet, even if you can’t technically remember her name or how you got there. And there are only two things that might ruin that feeling of self-satisfaction: one would be discovering that you not only had the best night of your life, but you also have the clap; the other would be learning that the girl is pregnant with your seed. So what exactly do Ben’s roommates have to say when they find out about his alcohol-induced, life-altering one-night stand? “We’re basically the devil in his ear. We’re kind of giving him advice that’s crazy. Obviously we’re all ill-prepared to handle one of our best friends having a child, and I think we’re even more immature than he is, so I think we give him terrible advice, [we] just don’t know how to handle it,” says Jonah, 23. “It really freaks us out, and also the big inspiration for me at least was, I was just picturing that this was Seth in real life since I’m friends with him. In real life, he’s obviously way more mature than his character, but it would freak me out if one my best friends was having a kid because I would feel like things wouldn’t be the same, and I would kind of feel like our friendship wouldn’t be the same... it would just be super frightening.”

Super frightening indeed, but if Knocked Up the movie is any indication of the real-life experience, then take solace in knowing that if one of your drunken, idiot friends accidently impregnates a hot girl he met at a bar and they decide to have the kid together, it can also be super hilarious!

KNOCKED UP HITS THEATERS JUNE 1ST

WWW.UNIVERSALPICTURES.COM

A Few Words With Lil' Jon

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN

Lil' Valentine
February 14th is Valentine’s Day, also known as the easiest day of the year to get laid. You’ll still have to pay for it - but with flowers and chocolate instead of by the hour. Hey, romance might be dead, but take solace in the fact that like sweet crunk music, love is alive and well - just ask Lil’ Jon. We did, and here’s what the original dirty South rapper had to say.

JG: In “Lovers and Friends” you talk about ‘knowing a girl for a long time, but fuckin’ never crossed your mind.’ Is that your definition of love?
LJ: Well, that was in the ‘friends’ context.... If you got a homegirl that’s your homegirl, sometimes you don’t never even think about crossing that line. That’s what that was about, just having a female that’s your friend. But sometimes, someone that you’re friends with, something might happen where you just look at someone in a different way, like, ‘Damn, this person been around me all this time, and now I see something else.’ When I first met my wife, I knew that was someone I wanted to be with. We was friends for a lotta years before we even started. And really, the friends in your life are the ones you end up settling down with, only because you known them the longest, you trust them the longest, they know everything about you, and they’re your friend.

JG: What are the most important qualities in a girl?
LJ: They have to be intelligent. They have to be able to listen, as well. Like women want us to listen, but sometimes women gotta listen, too, and know when to just sit back and be quiet and know when to listen to what somebody got to say. All women really want in a man is somebody that listens and tries to understand you, and really that’s one thing we like too – we like somebody that’ll listen too, show us some comfort. So I think a good listener. [Second], you wanna be able to have an intelligent conversation with somebody. You don’t wanna have someone that just is not on the same level. That’s the worst thing in the world, to talk to somebody and realize they an idiot. And personality is important – I’d say those are the three things. Personality, that’s what makes you laugh at someone, that makes them help you to look at shit in a different light, helps you to have fun.

JG: What do you think about dudes that rock the same clothes as their girlfriends?
LJ: Oh that’s the lamest shit in the world! Back in high school, oh my god…we’d see that and be like, ‘Oh, he in love,’ or, ‘He pussy-whipped.’ Cause what kind of man wanna dress up exactly like his woman? That shows you’re just blinded.

JG: How do you know if a girl is cheating on you?
LJ: It’s hard to tell with women because they the most cunning creatures in the world. You can never tell. A woman can make eye contact with a guy she see in the mall while she with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend never know, cause she’ll be cool – cooler than the other side of the pillow. While if it’s the guy, and he with his girlfriend, he gon’ get nervous, gonna walk the other way and start sweatin’. But with a girl, really there’s no way, it’s just hard to tell... Guys, they just suck at being cheaters. ‘Cause guys get lazy, they don’t cover their tracks. A guy will not even tell his homeboy and his girl might see the nigga at the mall and be like, ‘What ya’ll do last night?’ and he be like, ‘Shit, uh, I was at the crib, but what’s good with you?’

JG: Are you into a girl that can chill with your boys, or is it better to chill with your girlfriend solo?
LJ: You don’t want your wife to be best friends with your best friend. ‘Cause that can lead to all types of shit. Just like I was sayin’ before, how you might have friends you look at one way and then all of sudden you look at ‘em differently, like, ‘Oh shit,’ and they look at you different, too. You don’t want your girl being too close with your friends – that’s just like setting yourself up. For some people it’s cool, but I ain’t never really been a fan of that.

JG: So how did you propose to your wife?
LJ: Uh…I forgot. I think we were sitting down, eating dinner... I think it mighta been on Valentine’s Day or her birthday or something... yeah, I think it was her birthday.


ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007

TV: The Sarah Silverman Program

PHOTO: MARC LECUREUIL, COURTESY OF COMEDY CENTRAL
From a woman rivaled only by Borat when it comes to making jokes about all things taboo, comes Comedy Central’s The Sarah Silverman Program. Oddly enough, Sarah Silverman plays a character named Sarah Silverman, and the show focuses around her daily life and the various kooky events and situations in which she finds herself. It may sound like a typical sitcom, but if you’re familiar with the comedic stylings of Ms. Silverman then you know this is no Friends rehash. In the premiere episode, Sarah has a run-in with the police after she ingests too much cough syrup and then proceeds to park her car in the middle of a playground. As in her full-length film, Jesus is Magic, Sarah takes every opportunity to incorporate songs with off-color lyrics into the show, and also shares the screen with some of the funniest people in the world of comedy today, most notably Brian Posehn, who plays one of Sarah’s gay neighbors. Whether she’s reading aloud from The Diary of Anne Frank for the talent portion of a children’s beauty contest, or taking in a homeless man, we love The Sarah Silverman Program, and if you have any sense of humor whatsoever, you will, too.
WWW.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM




ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE COPYRIGHT © 2007

TV: Halfway Home

PHOTO: MARC LECUREUIL, COURTESY OF COMEDY CENTRAL

The formula behind Comedy Central’s new series Halfway Home is simple: put a bunch of ex-cons in a residential mental rehabilitation facility, sit back, and wait for hilarity to ensue. And ensue it does, as we meet five “semi-hardened parolees,” sentenced to live together at an L.A. halfway home called Crenshaw House, where the house supervisor (played by Groundling’s member Kevin Ruf) attempts to reform patients that range from a former male prostitute, to a would-be terrorist (who, in reality, is just another privileged kid from California), to a pyromaniac. Halfway Home is like a season of The Real World gone horribly, horribly awry - in a good way. Tune in Wednesdays at 10:30 p.m. beginning March 14th.
WWW.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM


ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007

TV: Crank Yankers

PHOTO COURTESY OF MTV2
The funniest puppets on the planet are back with a new season on a new network. This spring, MTV2 welcomes the prank-calling terrorists, and with the old gang back together again the possibilities are endless. Tune in to see what happens when rednecks, immigrants and just plain idiots are targeted by some of the funniest people on the planet in the new millennium’s answer to The Jerky Boys. In addition to old favorites like Special Ed, expect cameos from Dave Chappelle, Lil Jon, Dane Cook and others. New episodes begin in February and run through the month of March, only on MTV2.
WWW.MTV2.COM



ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007

Spray On Condoms

ILLUSTRATION BY BRIAN ROMERO

As if regular old condoms weren’t already an intrusive (albeit necessary) way to kill the moment, a German company recently developed a whole new way to ruin your sex life. Spray On Condoms are the next big (or small) thing in prophylactics, and while we can’t imagine it would be easier to fit a spray can in your wallet than a Trojan, the new product might prove to be the perfect choice for those seeking to maximize awkwardness in the bedroom. But before all you graff writers let your imaginations run wild, be advised that you don’t simply spray away to your heart’s content. Rather, insert the given organ into the aerosol can, push the button, and presto chango, you’re covered. Literally. According to the Institute for Condom Consultancy (yes, that is indeed a real organization), the new product takes only five seconds to “put on” and will protect you from contracting the clap just as effectively as good old rubbers. The Spray On Condom is still in testing, but is expected to hit stores sometime next year.

WWW.SPRAYKONDOM.DE




ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007

Dax Shepard

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN
PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHRIS FORTUNA

THE GOOD SHEPARD
“I feel like the Jude Law of comedy this fall. Prepare to get Daxed-out,” says actor Dax Shepard, who stars in three movies this year – Employee of the Month, Idiocracy and Let’s Go To Prison – all released between Labor Day and Thanksgiving.

Dax is perhaps best known for his role as a field agent on the first season of MTV’s celebrity prank series, Punk’d, but how does a dude with a degree in Anthropology from UCLA wind up getting paid to make Justin Timberlake cry on national television?

“I was going on probably 15 commercial auditions a year for six years and booking none of them,” says Dax of the days when he was a struggling actor trying to make it in Hollywood. (To be fair, he did play the coveted role of “Vomiter at Party” in a movie called Hairshirt in 1998.) While auditioning and attending UCLA, Dax also performed improv with the Groundlings Theater in L.A. (famous for having launched the careers of Phil Hartman, Lisa Kudrow, Will Ferrell and others), and pursued another hobby: racing cars.

“I was really into cars and I met the right people and I was gonna go and try to get a job racing,” says Dax. “At the exact same time, I got into the last level of the Groundlings […] and I thought, ‘Well, you can maybe parlay an acting career into a driving career, but not the other way around.’"

Then, in 2001, Dax auditioned for a role on Punk’d, which his experience as a Groundling had prepared him for. Seven callbacks later, he landed the part. “It was like, ‘Oh my god, I got a pilot, and the pilot’s going great!’ And then the pilot got sued and there was a full year of sorting that out before I finally went back to work.” When it aired in mid-2003, Punk’d was a hit and Dax was on the road to celebrity.

In 2004, he starred in Without a Paddle, alongside Seth Green, Matthew Lillard and Burt Reynolds – whom he describes as one of his “childhood gods.” (And who among us doesn’t have the fondest childhood memories of sitting fireside, surrounded by loved ones and watching Deliverance?)

“Oh, [Burt Reynolds] is so great,” says Dax, adding wistfully, “The only thing I regret is not having gotten to see his balls on set, because I wanna know if they’re as big as they look in those tight pants.”

Although Without a Paddle is no Smokey and the Bandit, working with Burt was still pretty sweet. But, Dax says his ultimate Hollywood experience thus far has been working on a movie that was never actually made. Dax was to star in Car Wars with Dustin Hoffman – whom he speculates “may be the most charming man on the planet” – and the two hung out quite a bit, something that left an indelible imprint on Dax.

“At one point we were with a third person, [who] asked Dustin something about [a] scene in Rain Man […] so Dustin starts explaining the entire scene and how it went down, and the next thing you know, he’s on the couch next to me, and I’m playing Tom Cruise, and he’s […] doing the lines. I had to stop and say, ‘In my wildest dreams, I never thought I’d be reenacting a scene out of Rain Man with Dustin Hoffman.’ ”

In fact, for a dude whose career only took off in 2003, Dax has been keeping a lot of excellent company. Idiocracy – a shamefully under-publicized Mike Judge movie that was released in September (though one wonders where) – features Dax, Luke Wilson and SNL’s Maya Rudolph. A role in the children’s action adventure film Zathura (2005) paved the way for a close friendship between Dax and Jon Favreau, who directed. Add to that Dax’s fellow Employee of the Month stars Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson, and you’ve got one really dope rolodex.

And speaking of the elder Simpson, is she as gifted an actress as she seems to be? “What I thought was good about her acting was that she wasn’t trying or working hard at it, which in my opinion is always the worst kind of acting,” says Dax. “[Jessica] just listened and said her lines, and that’s really all any of us can do. But she did great in the movie, she was super-cute […]. And her boobs are really big.” OK, so her range as an actress isn’t tremendous; but at least something about her is.

Dax also made his own physical contribution to this movie, albeit less sexy. “I don’t know if you can catch the finer details of my character in [Employee of the Month], but I want you to notice that I have waxed my forearms for the role, and I have bleached my hair for the role.”

You have to respect that level of commitment – and hey, short of starring in a Holocaust picture, changing your physical appearance for a movie role is the only surefire way to lock down an Academy Award, right? “There is Oscar buzz, I’m not gonna lie,” says Dax, in a tone that actually seems to say, ‘There most definitely is not, nor will there ever be, anything even remotely resembling Oscar buzz about this movie. Never. Not ever.’

For comedy nerds who are on the fence about Dax, the fact that he’s down with Arrested Development’s Will Arnett may earn him some street cred. This November, Will and Dax are starring in a little picture called Let’s Go To Prison, which promises to deliver.

“Let’s Go to Prison I really like, because that was a four million dollar movie that we made in 25 days, which ended up getting picked up by Universal and has an actual marketing budget now, and that’s kind of a rare thing to happen. If you like Will Arnett you’re gonna get your fill.”

And if you don’t like Will Arnett, chances are you’ve either smoked way too much weed or not enough.

Although Dax and Will met on the set of Let’s Go to Prison, the two already have plans for a future project. “Get ‘Em Wet is a script that I wrote for [Will] and I to star in. While we were on the set of Let’s Go to Prison we started thinking of different ideas that we could put together because we had such a good time, and Get ‘Em Wet was the product. Will and I play American hottub salesmen who go to Japan and try to blow the lid off a burgeoning market that’s not really there.”

Don’t get it twisted: Dax Shepard is no post-SNL Jimmy Fallon; he knows that just because a bad movie exists, doesn’t mean he should star in it.

“[Even before Punk’d] I was passing [on projects] sometimes when I shouldn’t have been, financially-speaking, because I’ve watched other actors who’ve been in the same spot I’ve been in, and I’ve watched them kinda disappear – it always boils down to doing something they know is shitty. It is very tempting – I have a house payment, I need money as much as I did when I was broke – so, it’s very hard to turn down […]. My theory is that as long as I don’t ever do a really shitty one, I still have a shot of working again. But if I do a couple of real shitty ones in a row, then I could permanently go away.”

Smart guy. “Well I was Magna Cum Laude at UCLA – I’m no slouch,” he reminds me.

With so many projects on deck (including a mockumentary about “me switching genres from comedy to martial arts movies”), Dax’s future looks bright. “If all my dreams come true I will become Paul Newman and start racing cars when I have money to have my own race team, and then do that in my retirement. I mean that would obviously be the greatest thing ever.”

And so far, it looks like he’s on the right track.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE COPYRIGHT © 2007

Movie: Borat

Fans of HBO’s Da Ali G Show have waited more than two years for some new material from the brilliant mind of Sacha Baron Cohen. And this November, audiences around the country are lining up to see the new full-length feature film, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

The movie has everything you’d expect from Cohen’s mustachioed alter ego, the brutally un-PC Borat Sagdiyev. From beginning to end, Borat is filled with casual allusions to incest and rape, embarrassing interviews with unsuspecting politicians (including right-wing nut job Alan Keyes – or as Borat describes him, “a real chocolate face”), unenlightened remarks about women, homosexuals, and of course, Jews (though in real life, Cohen himself is a practicing Jew). While the film does drag at times – even Borat loses some of his mystique after an hour-and-a-half – on the whole, Cohen manages to pull it off.

We dare you to keep a straight face when Borat tries unsuccessfully to learn the art of the ‘not’ joke, much to the frustration of his teacher; or the segment in which he invites an overweight, scantily-clad, black (tranny?) call girl to a small dinner party hosted by Southern, former-slave-owning types; or finally, when he attends a hardcore Texas church service – the kind of scary shit that we New York liberals cannot even fathom, complete with religious fanatics writhing about, speaking in tongues. Those who haven’t seen Da Ali G Show are likely to find the movie especially riotous, while longtime fans may feel slighted, as the material is sometimes a bit too familiar. But as long as you don’t expect more from Borat than a movie of its kind can deliver, you won’t be disappointed.
WWW.BORAT.TV






ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE COPYRIGHT © 2007

Interview: Jamie Kennedy

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN

JAMIE KENNEDY'S RAP EXPERIMENT
Best known for his work in The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, the Scream movies and Malibu’s Most Wanted, actor Jamie Kennedy is now trying to add Professional Rapper to his resume. In his new reality show, Blowin’ Up (which premieres May 16th on MTV), Kennedy and friend Stu Stone (a.k.a., “Stu the Jew”) will try to convince everyone – from veteran members of the hip-hop community to Jamie’s agents and even his parents – that they have what it takes to be rappers. I sat down with Jamie to discuss Blowin’ Up and his quest to get a record deal and release a “quadruple triple platinum album.”


JG: What made you decide to pursue a career in the rap game?
JK: I’ve always wanted to do rap. After I finished my show [The Jamie Kennedy Experiment]…things were happening in my life that were, you know, kinda’ funny… and people were like, ‘you [and Stu] should just film what you do.’ And I was like, ‘that’s interesting,’ and it just became a thing.

JG: What are some of your influences in music?
JK: I love Wu-Tang, obviously; earlier hip-hop like EPMD, Run DMC, LL Cool J – that’s what I grew up on.

JG: Are your own songs mostly freestyles or written raps?
JK: Some are freestyle, off the cuff, and other ones we have and we just do out loud again. In terms of who does what, it’s pretty much like Stu…usually does the music and writes half the lyrics, and I write the other half of the lyrics. I was never into sampling, ‘cause I always thought you should try to do your own thing…and to be quite honest, you can’t really sample and have a show on MTV, because you have to pay all these royalties, so it actually forces you to just do your own stuff. But it’s amazing what you can do with just a board – there’s a billion sounds. You just make your own thing, loop it, whatever.

JG: A lot of people probably associate you with your roles in The Jamie Kennedy Experiment and Malibu’s Most Wanted. How does that affect you in terms of making the transition to rap?
JK: You’re only known for your last thing, and…I have so much baggage. I was the prankster, and I was in Malibu’s Most Wanted, and I was like a rapper – a guy who wanted to be a rapper but lived in Malibu and had no credibility and wasn’t that good. Now, I’m Jamie Kennedy who’s done that stuff, but who’s really trying to be a rapper. So people are like, ‘What the fuck?’…Like, I know I can pretty much get a hold of anybody because of my situation – ‘cause I’m an actor, and I’m in Hollywood and I’ve done stuff. But I can’t get a record deal because record companies don’t take me seriously; they don’t know what to do with me. So it’s kinda’ cool to see the world that we’re in, but you also kinda’ see the struggle that we can’t get past – the hurdles.

JG: Blowin’ Up has a lot of guest appearances – and not just rappers, right?
JK: It’s crazy how many guests we’ve had…we mixed shit up. I mean, we go and try to talk to the rap world, which is incredible, real guys, and then we end up also having part of my world, which is actors, which you wouldn’t find in the regular rap world, so it’s kind of an interesting mix.

JG: It’s most definitely a broad range – you go from a meeting with the RZA one minute, to chilling in your Hummer with Bob Saget the next.
JK: I couldn’t get anybody. Nobody wanted to fuck with us, so I called who I knew. I wanna’ bring in all of hip-hop and I also wanna’ bring in all of Hollywood too… hip-hop – you know, rap music, the culture – it’s got all types in it. And if you’re in it, I might try to get to you, no matter if you’re Brian Austin Green or the RZA, because everybody’s viable. They both had albums; it doesn’t matter who was considered more credible… . And [Brian Austin Green] can really flow…but [people] just look at him and see his character [from Beverly Hills, 90210] hanging out at the Peach Pit.

JG: So how much of Blowin’ Up is straight-up reality TV and how much of what we see is vaguely scripted or rehearsed?
JK: Everything you see in the show is real. We never really go into a situation knowing what’s gonna’ happen. We go, and, say, call up Method Man and tell him we need a meeting. And then we go meet him, and he doesn’t know what we’re gonna’ talk about…I don’t know how to describe it other than it is real. I bring it all in. People will be asking what’s real and what isn’t…I think once we get out an episode or two, people will realize it’s not a fake thing… . Basically, me and Stu are trying to become the next Nick and Jessica – but without the ending.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE COPYRIGHT © 2007