Craigslist Keepers

Occasionally we stumble across a Craigslist post that is too good not to share with the world.

Case in point: This listing for an apartment share in Murray Hill, which was brought to our attention earlier today. It says:

I am an elderly lady, in my 70's. I am looking for someone lovely to live in the second bedroom (lovely people only). I am not thrilled about living with someone but I could use the extra cash. I have only one rule. You must wear a belt I designed that has bells all over it. I do this so I know when you are in the apartment and where in the apartment you are. If you have friends over, they must wear the device as well. I only have 2, so no more than 1 friend over.

So, just in case the prospect of moving to Murray Hill wasn't enough to make you want to kill yourself, now you can go live there with this old lady, who may or may not be the real-life version of Kathy Bates' character from "Misery."

O, Equinox, How You Tease Us With Your Tightly Packaged Flesh!

Evidently The Catholic League is none too pleased about Equinox's latest ad campaign, which depicts a series of sexy, fairytale-esque scenes shot by Ellen von Unwerth. In particular, they take issue with the hot nuns with exposed legs sketching the hot naked dude with exposed everything. The ads aren't in rotation in New York yet, but will be making their city-wide debut forthwith. In the meantime, Equinox is more than happy to exacerbate the situation by giving New Yorkers a sneak peek of what it has in store for our local magazines, billboards, and subways by displaying the new ads in the windows at three of their locations (50th Street, 19th Street and Greenwich Avenue), from now through Friday.

I belong to one of Equinox's competitors, so I can't say I know for sure what their clientele is like. But I can say that my gym is filled with fatties and old people, and if I ever once had to look at someone like the models above while "running" my 12-minute mile, I'd either kill myself or kill them. To be fair though, while these ads don't necessarily make me want to join Equinox (or ever leave my apartment again, for that matter), they do make me want to join a convent and take up sketching.

WWCD? (What Would the Candidates Drink?) A Super Tuesday Special Report

(Image borrowed from President08.net)

Super Tuesday is finally upon us, and while a gaggle of legitimate news outlets will be focused on boring us to death with talk of "precincts," "delegates" and "exit polls," we at Citysearch are bringing you the kind of hard-hitting, no-nonsense reporting that really matters. Specifically, we're investigating a question that is of the utmost importance when it comes to selecting a new leader of the free world: "What would the presidential candidates drink, and where would they drink it?"

So, if you're wondering how Obama's plan to get the hell outta Dodge (where by "Dodge" I mean "Baghdad") compares to McCain's plan to keep us there for another 100 years, I couldn't tell you. And if you're unsure of how Clinton's plan to offer universal health care differs from Romney's plan to withhold it, I just don't know. But what I do know is that by the time the polls close on Tuesday night, all of the candidates, winners and losers alike, will be fiending for a liquid fix.

So here's our take on what and where each of them would drink--if the cameras (and evangelists) weren't watching.

DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton:
Everything about the New York Senator--from her infamous pants suits to her fancy Chappaqua digs--says she's a lady who lets loose with a white wine spritzer. And while her husband might prefer to go, uh, downtown, Hil's a definite uptown girl. But if Cafe Des Artistes was booked, perhaps she'd head over to midtown's Yale Club--where her fellow Ivy Leaguers sip Chardonnay at their very own haven away from New Haven. So, rather than let Obama get to her on Super Tuesday, HRC will simply take a deep breath, plaster on a smile and get plastered.

Barack Obama:
He may be from Illinois (by way of Hawaii), but Obama knows how to kick it NYC-style. The Columbia University graduate admits that back in the day he dabbled in drugs and alcohol (which might explain in part why he's carrying the American youth vote), but these days he sticks to throwing punches rather than spiking it. When Obama wants to get his drink on, he likely meets up with celeb supporters like Robert De Niro for sake bombs at Nobu or vino at Tribeca Grill. On second thought, maybe he prefers to show that he's in touch with the Average Joe by grabbing a beer somewhere less elitist, like a dive bar in Brooklyn, or even Staten Island. Just kidding! No one would ever want to go there!

REPUBLICANS

John McCain:
The 72-year-old Republican front-runner probably has to do his boozing on the sly, thanks to his wife Cindy, the Budweiser heiress with a well-documented pill-popping habit. A decorated war veteran (and war advocate), should McCain arrive in New York to find that the officer's club is closed, I suspect he'd drop by the Soldiers', Sailors', Marines' Coast Guard and Airmen's Club and sidle up to the bar with a nice single malt scotch. And once he started feeling tipsy, he would head to the nearest military recruiting station and attempt to re-enlist for active duty, just to prove that he's not too old to be president.

Mitt Romney:
You can always count on a Mormon to be the life of any party, and the former Massachusetts governor is no exception. Although Romney's Church of Latter Day Saints traditionally prohibits the use of alcohol, they have begun to relax their policy slightly, permitting members of the Church to consume small amounts of low-ABV booze. In other words, Romney's a lightweight who probably gets a buzz off a sixer of O'Doul's. That might fly in his Puritan state, but in NYC that ain't gonna cut it. So maybe he'd try to fit in by going to a bar that is happy to make non-alcoholic versions of their cocktails--like Brasserie 8 1/2 or Counter--so he wouldn't have to feel awkward saying, "Would you make that a virgin pina colada, boss?" in public. Actually, he should feel awkward saying that. What an amateur. Do you really want a guy who can't hold his liquor running this ship?

Mike Huckabee:
The Southern Baptist and former governor of Arkansas may have vetoed a bill in his state that would have made public drinking in "entertainment districts" legal, but that doesn't mean he's not a hardcore boozer in private. This dude wouldn't know what the hell to do with himself in the big city, and would likely end up hanging out somewhere exotic and touristy, like New Jersey or Planet Hollywood or Jekyll & Hyde, where he'd order something creepy and overly complex--you know, like a drink that looks and smells like it belongs in a witches cauldron rather than a glass. It doesn't really matter though, because despite his victory in Iowa, it seems like it's only a matter of time before Huckabee drops out ofthe race. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time that an Arkansas governor turned out to be a nuisance for Hillary Clinton.

Ron Paul:
I'll be honest, I don't know much about Texas congressman Ron Paul, except that he looks suspiciously like my grandpa, and that he's a doctor who doesn't believe in evolution--which means he's clearly suffering from a kind of denial seen only among people who drink a whole hell of a lot. It's not a stretch to imagine that if he weren't a politician, he'd be standing on a crate somewhere, rocking a Members Only jacket and polyester pants with a razor-sharp crease, ranting about how social welfare programs are un-American, and how the government oughtta' give everyone a semi-automatic weapon instead of universal health care. But if Ronnie found himself in Manhattan, I'm guessing he'd probably split his time evenly between the OTB and dirty bars like Charlie O's, where he'd alternate between Bud tallboys and Jack Daniels, depending on the time of day.

Look, we don't know if any of the above is true (actually, it's almost certainly not true), but we do know that one of these people will be the next President of the United States. So, just in case you didn't already have a reason to hit the bottle, now you have six.

A Citysearch Special Report: Places We'd Like To See Squashed by the "Cloverfield" Monster

Lady Liberty is just one of the New York City landmarks that takes a beating in the highly anticipated new monster movie, "Cloverfield," which hits theaters today. From what I can surmise, the premise goes something like this: Young, fun-loving crowd of New Yorkers are at one of those cheesy parties where the hosts videotape their guests talking about how totally awesome the party is, when all hell breaks loose. Suddenly New York is under attack by a savage, futuristic-Godzilla-style monster. Chaos and massive destruction ensue as said monster proceeds to obliterate everything (and everyone) in its path, all but leveling the city. But every movie has a hero (although judging from the "Cloverfield" cast, that hero needn't be a celebrity), and ours turns out to be one of the dudes who was at that party before all the madness began. Ultimately, that guy, whoever he is, leads a mission to defeat the monster, thereby restoring order and saving the city.

With any luck, "Cloverfield" will deliver at least one good old-fashioned impaling--perhaps one that involves the Empire State Building needle, for example--but suffice it to say that there will be blood. So, at the risk of offending a broad spectrum of our audience, we're paying tribute to this epic movie with a little hit list of our own: Places We'd Like to See Squashed by the "Cloverfield" Monster.

Duane Reade (any and all locations)
Sorry, "Cloverfield," but we've already got a monster that's hell-bent on destroying this town!

Manhattan Mall
This unfortunate attempt at an urban strip mall has only one redeeming characteristic: Keeping property values down in Herald Square--and to be fair, some of the credit for that also goes to Penn Station, Madison Square Garden and Macy's.

Southern Hospitality
JT, JT, JT... Like we said a few weeks ago when your restaurant snagged the No. 1 spot on our list of the 10 Worst Restaurants of 2007: Just because you can do everything, doesn't mean you should.

Dave and Buster's
A D&B is just fine in a suburban mall--or a suburban anything--but if this is the "new" Times Square, we'll take the seedy strip joints, panhandlers, and meth-heads of yesteryear.

MacDougal Street (Between West 3rd and Bleecker)
Ever wondered what it would look like if a drunken fraternity convention plopped itself down in the West Village and refused to leave? Well, this is what that would look like.

Mars 2112
I'd sooner volunteer to be mangled by a rabid pit bull than spend five minutes at this space-themed travesty of a restaurant.

Staten Island
Relax, we don't literally want to see S.I. crushed by a monster, it's more of a figurative thing. Like, if the five boroughs were stranded on a desert island, and they had to eat one of the boroughs to ensure the survival of the other four ...

Agree? Disagree? Send us your beef via email, or leave a comment here and tell everyone what places you'd like the see squashed by the "Cloverfield" monster.

Craigslist Keepers: Post of the Century

Tell your co-workers that for the rest of the afternoon you'll be busy sending mass emails to everyone you know.

Now, this is not even remotely related to New York, let alone nightlife, but it just seemed inhumane not to share the above Craiglist post, which was placed on the Greenville, South Carolina, "strictly platonic" personals boards several days ago, but only just came to my attention. It says:

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Whomever conceived this is my new personal hero, and I am going to reply to the post and inquire as to whether I can accompany him on his quest in time back to the '80s, when that whole high-top-fade-meets-mullet look was in vogue.

Portable Beer Pong Table: Because Meatheads Like to Recieve Gifts Too

The only thing better than absurd drinking paraphernalia is absurd drinking-game paraphernalia, and nothing says "I'm a douchebag" quite like carrying around an inflatable beer pong table. Which is exactly why the $45 Portopong will make the perfect holiday gift for that special frat boy* in your life. As with most alcohol-related products--like the booze belt, another real gem--the Portopong is entirely practical to haul around town, you know, just in case you find yourself back in college. Then again, if you carry both the Portopong and an air mattress around with you at all times, you can play beer pong whenever you want without ever having to worry about where you're going to pass out afterwards. Order now before the manufacturer jacks up the price due to overwhelming demand. Just kidding.

*Contrary to the scene depicted in the photo, this is obviously not a toy for nerds, but rather for the quarterbacks who torment them. It's just that that photo was taken at a Yale tailgating party. Go figure.

Crazy Japanese Fun Time Yum Yum Candy Explosion!

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN

Regular readers may have noticed my recent obsession with Japanese goods and trends. And while I've tried to kick the habit, it’s really an insurmountable task as long as I continue to stumble across products like the Crunky Walking Bar. There’s nothing particularly special about this delicious treat, other than the fact that IT IS CALLED THE CRUNKY WALKING BAR. That is all.

15 Seconds of Lame: SearchWithKevin.Org

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE KEVIN FEDERLINE FAN CLUB
(YES, THERE REALLY IS A KEVIN FEDERLINE FAN CLUB)

Step aside, Google. There’s a new search engine in town, a special search engine, one endorsed by a celebrity. Now, you’re probably wondering, “Is it James Earl Jones? Or Kelsey Grammer, perhaps?” Guess again. SearchWithKevin.com is the official brainchild (hey, at least it’s not another real child) of Hollywood Z-Lister Kevin Federline. It makes sense, really, because who but K-Fed possesses the authoritative, commanding, trustworthy persona to successfully launch a site designed to be a viable alternative to Google? Kevin, we’ve gotta hand it to you – the fact that you actually thought this would be a good business venture is kind of adorable, and it almost makes us like you (where by "adorable" we mean "unbelievably idiotic" and by "almost makes us like you" we mean "definitely makes us hate you").

WWW.SEARCHWITHKEVIN.PRODEGE.ORG

Insert Coin Here: The Human Vending Machine

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN
Just when we thought the products coming out of Japan couldn’t get any cooler – or, as the case may be, mind-blowingly useless – we came across the Human Vending Machine. Much to our dismay, no Human Vending Machines could be reached for comment, but evidently, the product is a cross between a vending machine and a newsstand, with the added benefit that, in this case, the vendor happens to be a pretty young girl rather than a smelly old man or a metal contraption. And at the end of the day, when it comes to buying a newspaper or a pack of cigarettes, isn’t that all that really matters?




WWW.GIZMODO.COM
WWW.UNIQUEDAILY.COM

Super Size Me: Hamburger University

BY JUSTINE GOODMAN
ILLUSTRATION BY BRIAN ROMERO

In the days of old, if your greatest aspiration in life was to work behind the counter at your local fast food restaurant, all you needed was a basic grasp of 6th grade arithmetic. But what if you want to aim higher, and say, work your way up the line to a management position at McDonald’s? Then you’d better think about applying to college. And not just any college: Hamburger University, or, “McDonald’s Center of Training Excellence.” Since 1961, Hamburger University in Oak Brook, Illinois has been serving up more than tasty Big Macs – a super-sized order of education is also standard fare. HU boasts on-site interpreters able to communicate in 28 languages with the 5,000 members of its diverse student body, and a curriculum that features a combination of intensive classroom instruction, “lab” activities, and so-called “computer e-learning modules.” Hamburger University is like Yale meets the United Nations. (Except that it’s not at all like Yale. Or the United Nations.)

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY

Spray On Condoms

ILLUSTRATION BY BRIAN ROMERO

As if regular old condoms weren’t already an intrusive (albeit necessary) way to kill the moment, a German company recently developed a whole new way to ruin your sex life. Spray On Condoms are the next big (or small) thing in prophylactics, and while we can’t imagine it would be easier to fit a spray can in your wallet than a Trojan, the new product might prove to be the perfect choice for those seeking to maximize awkwardness in the bedroom. But before all you graff writers let your imaginations run wild, be advised that you don’t simply spray away to your heart’s content. Rather, insert the given organ into the aerosol can, push the button, and presto chango, you’re covered. Literally. According to the Institute for Condom Consultancy (yes, that is indeed a real organization), the new product takes only five seconds to “put on” and will protect you from contracting the clap just as effectively as good old rubbers. The Spray On Condom is still in testing, but is expected to hit stores sometime next year.

WWW.SPRAYKONDOM.DE




ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007

Million Dollar Celly

RING WITH BLING
Walking around with a chip on your shoulder because you have the dopest new celly on the block? Now you can hang your head in shame for having bought that Sidekick 3, Motorola Q, or LG Chocolate phone, because you should have copped Le Million Pièce Unique, the latest release from Geneva-based GoldVish Luxury Communications. The limited edition, 120-karat phone is assembled using 140 grams of solid gold, while the buttons and other details are finished with VVS1 top-quality diamonds. Oh yeah – it’s also criminally expensive, at a whopping one million dollars. So rock some protective eyewear to avoid being blinded by jewels and be careful if you plan to get blackout drunk – this is one phone that is just begging to be left in the backseat of a cab.
WWW.GOLDVISH.COM



ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007

The Business Bib

VIDEO CHATTING IN THE HALFSUIT
Part of the appeal of working from home has always been that pants are optional. But with new technologies like webcams and video-conferencing, it’s becoming difficult to rock comfortable gear to the home office. That’s why aptly named company Business Bibs has created a new product for those who want to appear professional without actually having to be professional. Seated in front of your webcam, the halfsuit allows you to look sharp and presentable to anyone who has you on telecast, even if you’re really rocking boxers on the low.
WWW.BUSINESSBIB.COM







ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN YRB MAGAZINE. COPYRIGHT © 2007